New Life

It's been quite some time since I've written for the public eye. Somewhere along the way I lost the creative drive to share my life in words. Photos are easy. Small moments can be shared without a second thought. It's the big stuff that I have left in my heart and mind over the past couple of years.
I'm not selling vintage clothes online anymore, my daughter is no longer a baby, I'm living in my parents home, separated from my partner, beginning a new job, and embarking on the next phase of my life.

Addiction has brought me to this place. Pain and suffering have been a daily reality for me. It's a long sad story, but it ends here so that I may begin again.

Last year my partner in life, Chris, began using bath salts. He became addicted and life quickly spiraled out of control. We moved to St. Louis to escape the environment and get a fresh start. I went back to school to work on my Master's and Chris found a great new job. A few months ago he began using crack and again things quickly spun out of control. He lost his job, left rehab, stole from me, lied to everyone, and for all intents and purposes ruined our lives. Ruined my life as I knew it, and striped me of the future I had so creatively planned out in my mind. The details would make you sick, but it all ended with me emptying the house we had made our home and moving back to my hometown to live with my parents.

Today I decided sobriety was a necessary step in my own recovery from codependency. I have toyed with the notion of sobriety in the past but never really committed, because I never saw myself as an addict. As a codependent I am addicted to care taking, controlling others behavior and making myself the victim. I was addicted to Chris. Hopelessly consumed with the construction of a fantasy life where we were both happy and healthy. It's easy to let codependency consume you, because it seems so innocent. Just a lady taking care of her family. But, when you live with and love an addict the "taking care of" becomes enabling, turned to resentment, self hatred, depression, isolation and an overall feeling of craziness. I became him. I felt his feelings, based my moods around his, let his compulsions control my behavior.

I stopped taking care of my needs, I stopped having needs, my needs where those of my child and Chris. Obviously a person cannot flourish and be happy under such circumstances. So now I find myself in a position I've never really been in... alone. No one to seek comfort in, no one to fix...just me. It's time to fix me.

In many ways the tragedy that our life has become is a great opportunity for me to finally focus on developing the inner life I have always desired.

This is the beginning of my story, my recovery, my great transformation. I know it won't be pretty, there is no easy road to recovery. I just hope writing about the journey will help me maintain perspective.

So, here I go. Day One.

Cleansing

Unsettled. Stuck thinking in circles.
Time to break the chain
that weighs down my heart
Fly free
a fall or flight
waits for me
Stuck in a future that doesn't exist
looking at the past I miss
Where am I at this moment?
Scared strong
forced to find
a life for me
I can see how bad it gets
when you base your life
on another
lie
false hope
disappointment
repeat

It's over
bring out those big guns
shoot to thrill
my life begins
with the realization
there's nothing for me
here
or
there
in that place
or
this space
I have everything I need
I only need not
to need it

just because

Because I want more
I need less
Because I want happiness
it never comes
Because I want beauty
I see the beast
Because I need comfort
I never rest my head
Because I want simplicity
I make things complicated
Because I want love
I only find hate
Because I need calm
I make you crazy
Because I need to change
I always stay the same

clutter

I get lost pretty often
I lose touch with friends
ideals
goals

I just let it all fall away
until all that's left is a mess

a tangle of unanswered texts
a craft room of unfinished projects
boxes full of all that I have given up on
and a house full of unwanted emotions

I don't want isolation
and regret
I don't want to miss
opportunities
to live
commune
laugh
be free
and truly love my life

I want to smash my TV
renounce Facebook
and followthrough

Purge myself of all the things, thoughts and habits
that keep me
clutter my mind
poison my body
and pollute my soul

I know who I want to be
and what I want to do
but I habitually stand in the way
of my own happiness
and freedom

I want Atti to know
life isn't a career
possessions
money
fame

Life is ...
a job that fulfills you
that ignores expectation
the possessions you don't have or want
money is no matter
and fame is no fortune

Life is ...
Love
Simplicity
Selflessness
Compassion
Following your heart
Filling your soul

It all seems so simple
I will practice everyday
and when I fail
I will have the courage to begin again.

Stay out there...

This weekend was filled with company. Company makes me long for more company. The company of friends that have fallen to the wayside. It also makes my long for isolation. Company is funny like that.

More than once I found myself kneeling to find the right song on the right record. Putting the needle down, laying back on a pillow and feeling the quiet of loneliness. All while my friends carried on drunkenly on the porch.

Being alone with yourself feels so good when friends are just an arm’s length away. If that’s the case being alone should never be uncomfortable. Friends are always at arm’s length if you just reach out.

When people made their way inside my solitude I wished for them to go back outside, or simply sit silently and listen to the music.

Everyone’s voices banging around the room, covering the soft songs and silent thoughts. Forcing me back to the present, to pay mind to others thoughts. None of which was appealing to me.

Not that I was thinking of anything more important that what my friends were talking about, more so that I was thinking of nothing.

I don’t think I’m a very good friend. I feel this way a lot. I feel selfish for always wanting to be on the inside, always forcing myself out.  

I don't know the moral here, and I don't know if I will ever change.

I am an introvert in extroverts clothing.

Wanna come over and silently listen to records?

I'm letting go of some things.
Walking around the house searching for the expendable.
My trouble with material attachments is a monetary one mixed with sentimentality.
I see every shirt I don't wear, every decorative tray, VHS movie as dollars spent.
I can't waste money!
Having a child makes the attachment worse.
I can't get rid of that movie... it may very well be her favorite in 5 years!
I shouldn't get rid of that purse...what about playing dress up!!

I keep my piles of junk
based on the past or the future
I organized, dust, wash and fold
for reasons that don't exist in the present

I have always yearned for simplicity
The ability to not give a shit about what I'm wearing
to reduce my laundry loads
have less to dust
wash
organize
less to  carry with me through life

I have lightened my load many times
but it's time for a deep clean
True change

I remember the fold out couch.
I bought it at the Salvation Army
You helped me move it
Many helped me move it
It pinned me to the wall
on its journey from the basement to the second floor
Sitting there
Collecting Kansas City Sunlight
It was sanitized many times
especially after Jake crashed
We listened to Sunday radio
watched old home movies
cooked the bun in the oven

The fold out couch sagged in the center
We would wake up sandwiched together
It looked just like the couch I sat on
as a little girl in Liberty Sound
watching Laser Discs
remember those

Things were simple when we had that couch
we left it behind
next to the art school dumpster
someone else owns
my comfort and ease

I miss that couch
but still
 a burden I had to carry around

my memories are heavier
and I can't leave them behind