New Life

It's been quite some time since I've written for the public eye. Somewhere along the way I lost the creative drive to share my life in words. Photos are easy. Small moments can be shared without a second thought. It's the big stuff that I have left in my heart and mind over the past couple of years.
I'm not selling vintage clothes online anymore, my daughter is no longer a baby, I'm living in my parents home, separated from my partner, beginning a new job, and embarking on the next phase of my life.

Addiction has brought me to this place. Pain and suffering have been a daily reality for me. It's a long sad story, but it ends here so that I may begin again.

Last year my partner in life, Chris, began using bath salts. He became addicted and life quickly spiraled out of control. We moved to St. Louis to escape the environment and get a fresh start. I went back to school to work on my Master's and Chris found a great new job. A few months ago he began using crack and again things quickly spun out of control. He lost his job, left rehab, stole from me, lied to everyone, and for all intents and purposes ruined our lives. Ruined my life as I knew it, and striped me of the future I had so creatively planned out in my mind. The details would make you sick, but it all ended with me emptying the house we had made our home and moving back to my hometown to live with my parents.

Today I decided sobriety was a necessary step in my own recovery from codependency. I have toyed with the notion of sobriety in the past but never really committed, because I never saw myself as an addict. As a codependent I am addicted to care taking, controlling others behavior and making myself the victim. I was addicted to Chris. Hopelessly consumed with the construction of a fantasy life where we were both happy and healthy. It's easy to let codependency consume you, because it seems so innocent. Just a lady taking care of her family. But, when you live with and love an addict the "taking care of" becomes enabling, turned to resentment, self hatred, depression, isolation and an overall feeling of craziness. I became him. I felt his feelings, based my moods around his, let his compulsions control my behavior.

I stopped taking care of my needs, I stopped having needs, my needs where those of my child and Chris. Obviously a person cannot flourish and be happy under such circumstances. So now I find myself in a position I've never really been in... alone. No one to seek comfort in, no one to fix...just me. It's time to fix me.

In many ways the tragedy that our life has become is a great opportunity for me to finally focus on developing the inner life I have always desired.

This is the beginning of my story, my recovery, my great transformation. I know it won't be pretty, there is no easy road to recovery. I just hope writing about the journey will help me maintain perspective.

So, here I go. Day One.