clutter

I get lost pretty often
I lose touch with friends
ideals
goals

I just let it all fall away
until all that's left is a mess

a tangle of unanswered texts
a craft room of unfinished projects
boxes full of all that I have given up on
and a house full of unwanted emotions

I don't want isolation
and regret
I don't want to miss
opportunities
to live
commune
laugh
be free
and truly love my life

I want to smash my TV
renounce Facebook
and followthrough

Purge myself of all the things, thoughts and habits
that keep me
clutter my mind
poison my body
and pollute my soul

I know who I want to be
and what I want to do
but I habitually stand in the way
of my own happiness
and freedom

I want Atti to know
life isn't a career
possessions
money
fame

Life is ...
a job that fulfills you
that ignores expectation
the possessions you don't have or want
money is no matter
and fame is no fortune

Life is ...
Love
Simplicity
Selflessness
Compassion
Following your heart
Filling your soul

It all seems so simple
I will practice everyday
and when I fail
I will have the courage to begin again.

Stay out there...

This weekend was filled with company. Company makes me long for more company. The company of friends that have fallen to the wayside. It also makes my long for isolation. Company is funny like that.

More than once I found myself kneeling to find the right song on the right record. Putting the needle down, laying back on a pillow and feeling the quiet of loneliness. All while my friends carried on drunkenly on the porch.

Being alone with yourself feels so good when friends are just an arm’s length away. If that’s the case being alone should never be uncomfortable. Friends are always at arm’s length if you just reach out.

When people made their way inside my solitude I wished for them to go back outside, or simply sit silently and listen to the music.

Everyone’s voices banging around the room, covering the soft songs and silent thoughts. Forcing me back to the present, to pay mind to others thoughts. None of which was appealing to me.

Not that I was thinking of anything more important that what my friends were talking about, more so that I was thinking of nothing.

I don’t think I’m a very good friend. I feel this way a lot. I feel selfish for always wanting to be on the inside, always forcing myself out.  

I don't know the moral here, and I don't know if I will ever change.

I am an introvert in extroverts clothing.

Wanna come over and silently listen to records?

I'm letting go of some things.
Walking around the house searching for the expendable.
My trouble with material attachments is a monetary one mixed with sentimentality.
I see every shirt I don't wear, every decorative tray, VHS movie as dollars spent.
I can't waste money!
Having a child makes the attachment worse.
I can't get rid of that movie... it may very well be her favorite in 5 years!
I shouldn't get rid of that purse...what about playing dress up!!

I keep my piles of junk
based on the past or the future
I organized, dust, wash and fold
for reasons that don't exist in the present

I have always yearned for simplicity
The ability to not give a shit about what I'm wearing
to reduce my laundry loads
have less to dust
wash
organize
less to  carry with me through life

I have lightened my load many times
but it's time for a deep clean
True change

I remember the fold out couch.
I bought it at the Salvation Army
You helped me move it
Many helped me move it
It pinned me to the wall
on its journey from the basement to the second floor
Sitting there
Collecting Kansas City Sunlight
It was sanitized many times
especially after Jake crashed
We listened to Sunday radio
watched old home movies
cooked the bun in the oven

The fold out couch sagged in the center
We would wake up sandwiched together
It looked just like the couch I sat on
as a little girl in Liberty Sound
watching Laser Discs
remember those

Things were simple when we had that couch
we left it behind
next to the art school dumpster
someone else owns
my comfort and ease

I miss that couch
but still
 a burden I had to carry around

my memories are heavier
and I can't leave them behind

Favorite Vintage Moments

Many second hand items have passed through my fingers, touched my skin, caught my eye and given me that oh so funky feeling. I sifted through thousands of old pictures looking for my favorite vintage wears...many of which I won't be sharing due to illegal activity that also happened to be photographed. 

Here are but a few sweet memories.

Mother's Day

Camping. Pillowcase Tank. 

Made this with vintage napkins and an apron.

Kyle. Friday the 13th party in KC. 

Basement Apt.

Our Bar. The day I got my job at D'bronx. 

Jayne at Waka

Avery on Halloween. It was like 70 degrees that year.

X-Mas sweater and White Russian 

Grandpas Boobs

Courtney won a contest. We took a limo to eat BBQ.

I miss my bedroom