just because

Because I want more
I need less
Because I want happiness
it never comes
Because I want beauty
I see the beast
Because I need comfort
I never rest my head
Because I want simplicity
I make things complicated
Because I want love
I only find hate
Because I need calm
I make you crazy
Because I need to change
I always stay the same

clutter

I get lost pretty often
I lose touch with friends
ideals
goals

I just let it all fall away
until all that's left is a mess

a tangle of unanswered texts
a craft room of unfinished projects
boxes full of all that I have given up on
and a house full of unwanted emotions

I don't want isolation
and regret
I don't want to miss
opportunities
to live
commune
laugh
be free
and truly love my life

I want to smash my TV
renounce Facebook
and followthrough

Purge myself of all the things, thoughts and habits
that keep me
clutter my mind
poison my body
and pollute my soul

I know who I want to be
and what I want to do
but I habitually stand in the way
of my own happiness
and freedom

I want Atti to know
life isn't a career
possessions
money
fame

Life is ...
a job that fulfills you
that ignores expectation
the possessions you don't have or want
money is no matter
and fame is no fortune

Life is ...
Love
Simplicity
Selflessness
Compassion
Following your heart
Filling your soul

It all seems so simple
I will practice everyday
and when I fail
I will have the courage to begin again.

Stay out there...

This weekend was filled with company. Company makes me long for more company. The company of friends that have fallen to the wayside. It also makes my long for isolation. Company is funny like that.

More than once I found myself kneeling to find the right song on the right record. Putting the needle down, laying back on a pillow and feeling the quiet of loneliness. All while my friends carried on drunkenly on the porch.

Being alone with yourself feels so good when friends are just an arm’s length away. If that’s the case being alone should never be uncomfortable. Friends are always at arm’s length if you just reach out.

When people made their way inside my solitude I wished for them to go back outside, or simply sit silently and listen to the music.

Everyone’s voices banging around the room, covering the soft songs and silent thoughts. Forcing me back to the present, to pay mind to others thoughts. None of which was appealing to me.

Not that I was thinking of anything more important that what my friends were talking about, more so that I was thinking of nothing.

I don’t think I’m a very good friend. I feel this way a lot. I feel selfish for always wanting to be on the inside, always forcing myself out.  

I don't know the moral here, and I don't know if I will ever change.

I am an introvert in extroverts clothing.

Wanna come over and silently listen to records?

I'm letting go of some things.
Walking around the house searching for the expendable.
My trouble with material attachments is a monetary one mixed with sentimentality.
I see every shirt I don't wear, every decorative tray, VHS movie as dollars spent.
I can't waste money!
Having a child makes the attachment worse.
I can't get rid of that movie... it may very well be her favorite in 5 years!
I shouldn't get rid of that purse...what about playing dress up!!

I keep my piles of junk
based on the past or the future
I organized, dust, wash and fold
for reasons that don't exist in the present

I have always yearned for simplicity
The ability to not give a shit about what I'm wearing
to reduce my laundry loads
have less to dust
wash
organize
less to  carry with me through life

I have lightened my load many times
but it's time for a deep clean
True change

I remember the fold out couch.
I bought it at the Salvation Army
You helped me move it
Many helped me move it
It pinned me to the wall
on its journey from the basement to the second floor
Sitting there
Collecting Kansas City Sunlight
It was sanitized many times
especially after Jake crashed
We listened to Sunday radio
watched old home movies
cooked the bun in the oven

The fold out couch sagged in the center
We would wake up sandwiched together
It looked just like the couch I sat on
as a little girl in Liberty Sound
watching Laser Discs
remember those

Things were simple when we had that couch
we left it behind
next to the art school dumpster
someone else owns
my comfort and ease

I miss that couch
but still
 a burden I had to carry around

my memories are heavier
and I can't leave them behind

Favorite Vintage Moments

Many second hand items have passed through my fingers, touched my skin, caught my eye and given me that oh so funky feeling. I sifted through thousands of old pictures looking for my favorite vintage wears...many of which I won't be sharing due to illegal activity that also happened to be photographed. 

Here are but a few sweet memories.

Mother's Day

Camping. Pillowcase Tank. 

Made this with vintage napkins and an apron.

Kyle. Friday the 13th party in KC. 

Basement Apt.

Our Bar. The day I got my job at D'bronx. 

Jayne at Waka

Avery on Halloween. It was like 70 degrees that year.

X-Mas sweater and White Russian 

Grandpas Boobs

Courtney won a contest. We took a limo to eat BBQ.

I miss my bedroom

Kolyn Who?

When I try to remember a ME, a time when I was absolutely sure of who I was, where I was going, my convictions, true passions... it's just not there.
I don't remember much before high school.
From the point in time where my memories do haunt me, I had no fucking clue who I was.
The more I think about it or try to figure it out, the less it matters.
Still, I have reached a point where I feel the importance of ME closing in...
No shit you're confused about major decisions! You have no idea what is truly important to you.
I know what I rattle off to the outside world in order to sound as if I have my shit together...
on the inside ...
I'm scared.
It sounds trite but I only have one chance at this. I get one shot to make the most of what I've been given, to accept what's coming. I'd like to be graceful. Have the power to control my thoughts and actions, steering them in a positive healthy direction.

I'm a young Mother on Food Stamps.
I am what I never imagined myself to be.
I'm in trouble.

I am a good Mother...
This is a good starting point for figuring out who I am.

I think for some time I have been avoiding identifying myself as a Mother.
Maybe because it came to me unexpectedly,
Maybe out of fear
fear of failure
repetition
lose

It is the most beautiful wonderful thing I have been given.
All the trouble, strife, suffering, depression
fades away
with one giggle, glance, gentle little squeeze
There is nothing to fear

(minus
poverty
separation
death)

I told her about cicadas just before bed.
The sound of a summer sunset
We sat in bed
ears all perked
rusty sunshine hitting us in all the right places
perfect
beautiful
listening to locust


This is a turning point.
Time to let go
I may fall
but I'm more likely to fly

 

Falling in love.

  

Checking the price.

Making it mine.

I tried going to garage sales this weekend. Alone at 2:00 pm on Friday...when it was 100+ degrees outside. Needless to say I became annoyed rather quickly, ending up at the Salvation Army by 2:20. I bought a bag full of clothes for $20, and ended up with this orange karate kid outfit. Fully intending to sell the extravagant toddler clothing item...

I quickly fell in love.

a common problem.

That's my life.

big piles.

Never ending piles.

Let us sort it out. 

Second Hand Life

I've been thinking of an experiment.

One year of all things used. Nothing new.

Kind of like No Impact Man, or Super High Me.

My own personal social documentary. Maybe call it I Smell Old or Super Save Me (some money).

Only I'll be lazy and cut corners. I will allow the purchase of:

New food
New music, news, and information
New ingredients to make homemade hygiene and household cleaning products
New underwear.

I will buy these things with good intentions:

Preferably via local origins
Preferably via "old" mediums, i.e Radio, Records, Newspaper.
Preferably homemade

So what about gas? Are we taking the bus and bumming rides? Product packaging? Gifts? Makeup? Renting a movie... technically that's old right, definitely second hand. So that would make going to the movie theatre outlawed, since technically those movies are new...

This is going to get complicated. I'm going to need a reason NOT to quit. I'll think on that.

How far should I take this? Just how brave are you?

My main emphasis is clothing for the whole family, furniture, decor, gifts, toys.

I will have to incorporate sewing. reupholstering. painting. building. crafting.

I will think before I buy. I will force myself to truly work for the things I want and need. I will support others by shopping at thrift stores, flea markets, antique malls, garage sales. I will put my money into the pockets of local businesses, neighbors, war veterans. I will be a more thoughtful individual.
aware of my consumption
pushed into homemade gifts
a touch of love on everything
always thinking on my feet
a solution for anything in everything
everything used that is.

I guess I'll start now. No time like the present.

Oh man! It's birthday season. I'll have to find/make gifts for 6 of my immediate family members.

My Sister
My Niece-1 yr.
My Brother in law
My Nephew-6 yr.
My Boyfriend
My Daughter-2 yr.

Better get started...
I'll keep you posted.

Not Just a Compulsion but Compassion

When selling vintage wears usually the last place one should look would be a thrift store. The items have been picked through, usually overpriced with no chance of bartering. More and more thrift stores are catching on the the "vintage craze" and way overpricing "vintage" items.
That being said... I love thrift stores, and have a hard time NOT shopping in them. The Goodwill and DAV seem to have some of the highest prices in town, but are nonetheless fertile hunting grounds.
On my trip to the Goodwill yesterday I actually took my eyes of the merchandise long enough to look at some of the signage. I have never really paid attention to the MISSIONS of some of the thrift stores in which I regularly shop.

After doing a little research on our local thrift stores I don't think I'll complain about the pricing anymore. Instead, I will tell my friends and family the great importance of supporting thrift stores in our community!

Here is some information about the good you can do by donating and shopping at thrift stores. 

Salvation Army:

The Saint Joseph Salvation Army is in need of donations!!


Information about donation:
http://www.satruck.org/donate-goods


SA Thrift Store Blog:
http://blog.salvationarmyusa.org/?tag=thrift-stores

To many people, The Salvation Army is the place where they donate used clothing and household items. It's a great way to recycle goods that can be used by someone in need. But a few people realize that we’re much more than a thrift store, and that these donated items are as important to the men who pick them up as they are to those who receive them. In many cases, these men are beneficiaries of our Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation program and are well on their way to recovery thanks to you.

The main support for our Adult Rehabilitation Centers comes from the sale of items at the Salvation Army Family Thrift Stores. The Red Shield trucks operated by each Adult Rehabilitation Center, collect usable and repairable items of all types. The Centers also process and sell recyclable materials. Many other Salvation Army Thrift Stores are run by local Salvation Army churches and fund the social services programs provided in your community.

The Salvation Army’s Adult Rehabilitation Centers provide spiritual, social and emotional assistance for men and women who have lost the ability to cope with their problems and provide for themselves.

 Each center offers residential housing, work, and group and individual therapy, all in a clean, wholesome environment. The physical and spiritual care that program participants receive prepares them to re-enter society and return to gainful employment. Many of those who have been rehabilitated are reunited with their families and resume a normal life.

I can dig that! 

Goodwill:

For more than 105 years, Goodwill^® has been an entrepreneurial leader, environmental pioneer and social innovator of the “reduce, reuse, repurpose” practice.

Goodwill diverts more than two billion pounds  of clothing and household goods every year from landfills by recovering the value in people’s unwanted material goods. In the process, we create job-training opportunities as well as entry-level and skilled green-collar jobs for people in need of work.

Join the Donate Movement

Your donated goods have the power to make a difference in people’s lives, strengthen communities and create a healthier environment. In 2010, Goodwill launched the Donate Movement, a corporate social responsibility platform and public awareness movement that focuses on the positive impact donating has on the people and planet.

Visit http://donate.goodwill.org to learn more about Donate Movement partners and to calculate the human impact of your Goodwill donations.

Our Vision

Every person has the opportunity to achieve his/her fullest potential and participate in and contribute to all aspects of life.

Our Values

Respect
We treat all people with dignity and respect.

Stewardship
We honor our heritage by being socially, financially and environmentally responsible.

Ethics
We strive to meet the highest ethical standards

Learning
We challenge each other to strive for excellence and to continually learn.

Innovation
We embrace continuous improvement, bold creativity and change.

Our Results for 2010

• People served through employment and training programs: More than 2.4 million
• Workforce development services provided: 20.1 million
• People who earned a job with Goodwill’s help : Over 170,000
• Estimated total earnings of people who earned a job with Goodwill’s help: Over $2.7 billion
• Personal and family support services provided: 7.5 million
• Total revenue generated by Goodwill organizations: $4 billion
• Total revenue spent directly on programs: 84 percent
• Total number of donors (includes repeat donations): 74 million
• Total number of retail stores: Over 2,500 and an online auction site,www.shopgoodwill.com

Revenue Sources

• Retail sales: $2.69 billion
• Industrial and service contract work: $632 million
• Individual/corporate/foundation support for mission services: $592 million
• Government support for mission services: $444 million
• Other revenue: $37 million

Sounds pretty good to me! I think I'd like to work at Goodwill!

They even have an online auction site!!  

 

http://www.shopgoodwill.com/

DAV:

Donations-

The DAV Thrift Stores rely on your donations to be able to operate successfully and raise money for the Disabled American Veterans and other charitable causes. Check out our Donate page to find out how you can help.

Monies Earned

The monies earned support the local D.A.V. Chapters, which provide support to the Veterans Administration hospitals and its veteran support agencies, local social service agencies, and other community activities in the local Hampton Roads area. Visit www.dav.org to find local chapter offices and more info.

It isn't just a compulsion to shop...it's a lifestyle choice that puts my money into the pockets of people in need, my neighbors and not giant corporations. 


Shopping and donating to thrift stores directly benefits the shopper, the buyer, employees, and all those affected by the compassion of the company your donations support. 


Shopping and donating to thrift stores helps reduce consumption and waste, helping to save the environment. 

You say it's your birthday....

Yup, today is my 25th birthday. I am 25. Who cares?
As children we are trained to believe that we are oh so special. Every year we have a special day to be special. Eat our special cake, open our special presents, have special little parties and celebrate the day we came into the world.
I don't feel special, and quite frankly at this moment in time the world doesn't seem like the greatest place to be.
Two months ago I had it all figured out.
Find house. sew. be happy.
in a nutshell.
I wanted so badly to have a house for our family. A beautiful space to call our own. A place with rooms to design and spread out it. A fairy tale that was sold to me at bedtime. A dream.
Dreams can be premonitions of things to come, or total nonsensical bullshit.
I went on a house hunting rampage.
Then one fateful afternoon I went to a friends house and fell in love... with the house. As luck would have it the very next day I found a house for rent owned by the same landlord as my friend.
It was perfect. Old, charming with a beautiful updated kitchen. I just had to have it.
No matter that our expenses would double, and that Chris didn't care for it! It was the house I had been dreaming of. The happy house.
Don't you just love life lessons? You learn so much about how big of an idiot you are, and you pay such a hefty price.
Today I got a notice about a possible gas leak which was making our bill unusually high. A month ago Chris lost his job and we have been struggling to pay the bills. I am constantly worried about break-ins, mold pumping through the vents, and did I mention not being able to afford it?

Today I'm 25, and I'm not happy. I am in the middle of learning the biggest bitch of a life lesson. How to be happy just being. How to not always be looking for the happy ending, the one thing that will finally make me the person I want to be. It isn't in a house, or a place, or an outfit.. it's in my own heart and mind. I am my own happiness.

Now I'm stuck picking up the pieces of my childish mistakes. Here's hoping that 25 is the year when I just relax and let the decisions make themselves. I can keep dreaming but I must stop planning. It will come if my heart is open. We will have all we need.

Saint Joseph

The backstory is always important. Holding insight to the present state of things.

Saint Joseph is a small river town, home of the Pony Express and Jesse James, a gateway to the South. A pit stop to the sunset. The middle of everything and nothing. A place for the weary to rest, get a little too comfy, and never leave. A town where folks got nothin but time.

As a teen living here my favorite thing to spend money on were artifacts from another time. Wearing worn 70's skirts, shoving my chap stick and cell phone in some recently deceased lady's handbag, curling up at night with the patchwork quilt of a teenager long grown. Wondering whose hands had touched the fabric that lay against my skin. What did the facial features of the woman who owned this dress look like when she smelled something rotten? Was this some little boys favorite T-shirt, his mother begging him to let her wash it?

As an adult the thrill of second hand shopping hasn't left me. Only now it has become a trendy internet endeavor. So, here I am, sitting in front of the computer with nothing but time and a pile of vintage clothes.