You say it's your birthday....

Yup, today is my 25th birthday. I am 25. Who cares?
As children we are trained to believe that we are oh so special. Every year we have a special day to be special. Eat our special cake, open our special presents, have special little parties and celebrate the day we came into the world.
I don't feel special, and quite frankly at this moment in time the world doesn't seem like the greatest place to be.
Two months ago I had it all figured out.
Find house. sew. be happy.
in a nutshell.
I wanted so badly to have a house for our family. A beautiful space to call our own. A place with rooms to design and spread out it. A fairy tale that was sold to me at bedtime. A dream.
Dreams can be premonitions of things to come, or total nonsensical bullshit.
I went on a house hunting rampage.
Then one fateful afternoon I went to a friends house and fell in love... with the house. As luck would have it the very next day I found a house for rent owned by the same landlord as my friend.
It was perfect. Old, charming with a beautiful updated kitchen. I just had to have it.
No matter that our expenses would double, and that Chris didn't care for it! It was the house I had been dreaming of. The happy house.
Don't you just love life lessons? You learn so much about how big of an idiot you are, and you pay such a hefty price.
Today I got a notice about a possible gas leak which was making our bill unusually high. A month ago Chris lost his job and we have been struggling to pay the bills. I am constantly worried about break-ins, mold pumping through the vents, and did I mention not being able to afford it?

Today I'm 25, and I'm not happy. I am in the middle of learning the biggest bitch of a life lesson. How to be happy just being. How to not always be looking for the happy ending, the one thing that will finally make me the person I want to be. It isn't in a house, or a place, or an outfit.. it's in my own heart and mind. I am my own happiness.

Now I'm stuck picking up the pieces of my childish mistakes. Here's hoping that 25 is the year when I just relax and let the decisions make themselves. I can keep dreaming but I must stop planning. It will come if my heart is open. We will have all we need.