Kolyn Who?

When I try to remember a ME, a time when I was absolutely sure of who I was, where I was going, my convictions, true passions... it's just not there.
I don't remember much before high school.
From the point in time where my memories do haunt me, I had no fucking clue who I was.
The more I think about it or try to figure it out, the less it matters.
Still, I have reached a point where I feel the importance of ME closing in...
No shit you're confused about major decisions! You have no idea what is truly important to you.
I know what I rattle off to the outside world in order to sound as if I have my shit together...
on the inside ...
I'm scared.
It sounds trite but I only have one chance at this. I get one shot to make the most of what I've been given, to accept what's coming. I'd like to be graceful. Have the power to control my thoughts and actions, steering them in a positive healthy direction.

I'm a young Mother on Food Stamps.
I am what I never imagined myself to be.
I'm in trouble.

I am a good Mother...
This is a good starting point for figuring out who I am.

I think for some time I have been avoiding identifying myself as a Mother.
Maybe because it came to me unexpectedly,
Maybe out of fear
fear of failure
repetition
lose

It is the most beautiful wonderful thing I have been given.
All the trouble, strife, suffering, depression
fades away
with one giggle, glance, gentle little squeeze
There is nothing to fear

(minus
poverty
separation
death)

I told her about cicadas just before bed.
The sound of a summer sunset
We sat in bed
ears all perked
rusty sunshine hitting us in all the right places
perfect
beautiful
listening to locust


This is a turning point.
Time to let go
I may fall
but I'm more likely to fly